Passover was an interesting experience. I spent the first days with an ultra-modern family and the last days with a black-hat yeshivish one. For the first days, I was the one in dull-colored clothing among brightly dressed women who all sang loudly and beautifully at the table. The last days were the reverse where I fretted over the way my neckline fell and whether or not it was okay to wear a purple skirt. I participated in the singing by clapping my hands and encouraging the men while they sang. We didn't sing ourselves until late at night when we walked along the deserted streets to our beds and, even then, we sang softly and kept an eye out for any men who might be within earshot.
Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere.
On one hand, it was wonderful to be with so many different people. I went from families that eat grebroks (where people mix matza and water to make various dishes) to non-grebroks households to the family who didn't use any prepared foods during Passover (making their own mayo, berry water and lemonade). I had a lot of fascinating discussions about different customs and the line between custom and law.
I had conversations with people from Lakewood, California and Cleveland, from Virginia and Baltimore. I sat in a shul where men and women could clearly see each other through the glass-topped mehitza. I sat in another where we were seated in the back behind a wooden screen, and the black-hatted men in front were standing room only.
It was the kind of variety I live for, but it also didn't give me any solid place to put my feet.
Then I went to a class for women only where we were told that the Torah says that a woman's path to happiness is through being married. I wasn't the only older single who cringed at that, although the rest of the talk was enjoyable.
Today I went to a class my Rabbi was giving and got to listen to him repeatedly translate "tamei" as "contaminated" even though, in practically the same sentence, he said that "tamei" wasn't dirty, bad or wrong and you could get that way even through performing a mitzvah. I don't want to think of myself as being "contaminated" at times because I am a woman. Not ever. And I don't believe that the Torah says that "tamei" means "contaminated". Why couldn't he just say that it was a bad translation, the way a lot of other people do?
On the way home, I cried from frustration and alienation. My rabbi is a kiruv rabbi, not a modern rabbi. I know that. I know I don't have to agree with everything he says.
I've spent my whole life trying to find the path I believe is right. Not the one everyone else is taking. Certainly not the "easy" path.
But, sometimes, I wish I didn't feel so alone.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
Getting into Debt... and Purim
In a blog I read, someone posted about how sad it was to see people who didn't even have to pay tuition yet get into credit card debt. That got me started thinking... How did I get here?
A lot of it is easily explainable. The Lovely Lemon needed a new roof. The washing machine started decorating my clothes with big black marks. The hot water heater died. The repair man said that he couldn't keep patching up my heat pump. A ceiling collapsed. (Apparently that last was happening all over the neighborhood.) I could go on for a whole "woe is me" post about the Lovely Lemon.
Of course, there is also the other side. I remember when we all got our first "real" jobs out of college. We were making so much more than we ever had before... the money seemed endless. One guy who who was making a mint as a programmer frequently took all his friends out drinks at the local bar (with the inevitable $1,000 bar tab). I knew people who had never used their kitchen to cook; every meal was eaten out. No one counted the cost of going to the movies or looked at the price tag when they bought a new blouse. Everyone drove a new car and had their own beautifully furnished apartment.
Compared to that... I was renting a room and saving up for my own place. Absolutely everyone I knew had a car loan, so that seemed a normal enough expense. I developed a taste for the theater and my season tickets gave me an excuse not to work late every night. I liked going to a dress ball once a year and, of course, each year I had to outdo the dress I wore the year before. But, I comforted myself, it was only one fancy dress a year. It was nothing like the expensive designer wardrobes the other women at work had. Later, ball gowns were replaced by fancy purim costumes. I went on an organic kick and bought overpriced everything because it claimed to be better for the environment.
At the same time, I was maxing out my 401k. I bought my own home which was mostly furnished with hand-me-downs from when friends or my parents upgraded. Didn't I deserve my little treats? They were so much less compared to everyone else. At some point, things got a bit out of control. I consolidated with the Bank of Mom and Dad and started cutting back. That was hard at first, but I found ways to make sure that my credit cards never got to the point where my tax return wasn't enough to pay them off. It was so frustrating to feel that I was making an excellent salary, being "sensible," and *still* sliding into debt. Dad said that I was doing a great job with my 401K and could afford to cut back a couple of percentage points to make my life a little easier.
Then the bottom fell out of the economy. I have 14 years left on my mortgage. My job is rock solid. Still... it's not the same as when the tech bubble collapsed. Everyone is cutting back. Everyone is frightened. I'm suddenly uncomfortable with my car loan. I started clipping coupons and helping out friends who are having a hard time putting food on the table. I downloaded an Excel amortization worksheet and started drawing up charts for getting everything paid off as quickly as possible.
I remember, as a girl, when the bottom fell out of the industry that Daddy worked in. I remember him bring bags of groceries to former co-workers. I remember being scared.
At the same time I want to cut back, I want to do more in other areas. I've been trying to increase my tzedaka. I'm giving more shalach manos. I'm trying to do it in a sensible way with 50 cent gift bags from Big Lots and just a little bottle to drink and one small box of candy per person. I'm new enough to orthodox Judaism that I don't want anyone to have to worry about the state of my kitchen. The cost of shalach manos worked out to be less than $50 for everyone. That was more expensive than I would have liked, but there are other places in my budget I can trim to come up with $50. I've been having second thoughts about taking that $100 from my windfall to spend on myself anyway... I'm worried it might undermine my attempts at setting up a budget-happy mindset. The $15 rebate check I got in the mail the other day is going straight to the car loan. The same goes for the $30 Quicken rebate check. I've already spent that money and readjusted my monthly budget around not having it-- might as well put the rebate checks against the car loan.
I think I'm doing okay. I recently spent a shabbos with the woman who turned me on to the Complete Tightwad Gazette and she thinks I'm doing fine... but how much of this feeling that things are on the right track due to my tax refunds and that windfall. How much of it will evaporate once that money is gone?
And, of course, I'm still going to wear that expensive Purim costume I bought last summer.
A lot of it is easily explainable. The Lovely Lemon needed a new roof. The washing machine started decorating my clothes with big black marks. The hot water heater died. The repair man said that he couldn't keep patching up my heat pump. A ceiling collapsed. (Apparently that last was happening all over the neighborhood.) I could go on for a whole "woe is me" post about the Lovely Lemon.
Of course, there is also the other side. I remember when we all got our first "real" jobs out of college. We were making so much more than we ever had before... the money seemed endless. One guy who who was making a mint as a programmer frequently took all his friends out drinks at the local bar (with the inevitable $1,000 bar tab). I knew people who had never used their kitchen to cook; every meal was eaten out. No one counted the cost of going to the movies or looked at the price tag when they bought a new blouse. Everyone drove a new car and had their own beautifully furnished apartment.
Compared to that... I was renting a room and saving up for my own place. Absolutely everyone I knew had a car loan, so that seemed a normal enough expense. I developed a taste for the theater and my season tickets gave me an excuse not to work late every night. I liked going to a dress ball once a year and, of course, each year I had to outdo the dress I wore the year before. But, I comforted myself, it was only one fancy dress a year. It was nothing like the expensive designer wardrobes the other women at work had. Later, ball gowns were replaced by fancy purim costumes. I went on an organic kick and bought overpriced everything because it claimed to be better for the environment.
At the same time, I was maxing out my 401k. I bought my own home which was mostly furnished with hand-me-downs from when friends or my parents upgraded. Didn't I deserve my little treats? They were so much less compared to everyone else. At some point, things got a bit out of control. I consolidated with the Bank of Mom and Dad and started cutting back. That was hard at first, but I found ways to make sure that my credit cards never got to the point where my tax return wasn't enough to pay them off. It was so frustrating to feel that I was making an excellent salary, being "sensible," and *still* sliding into debt. Dad said that I was doing a great job with my 401K and could afford to cut back a couple of percentage points to make my life a little easier.
Then the bottom fell out of the economy. I have 14 years left on my mortgage. My job is rock solid. Still... it's not the same as when the tech bubble collapsed. Everyone is cutting back. Everyone is frightened. I'm suddenly uncomfortable with my car loan. I started clipping coupons and helping out friends who are having a hard time putting food on the table. I downloaded an Excel amortization worksheet and started drawing up charts for getting everything paid off as quickly as possible.
I remember, as a girl, when the bottom fell out of the industry that Daddy worked in. I remember him bring bags of groceries to former co-workers. I remember being scared.
At the same time I want to cut back, I want to do more in other areas. I've been trying to increase my tzedaka. I'm giving more shalach manos. I'm trying to do it in a sensible way with 50 cent gift bags from Big Lots and just a little bottle to drink and one small box of candy per person. I'm new enough to orthodox Judaism that I don't want anyone to have to worry about the state of my kitchen. The cost of shalach manos worked out to be less than $50 for everyone. That was more expensive than I would have liked, but there are other places in my budget I can trim to come up with $50. I've been having second thoughts about taking that $100 from my windfall to spend on myself anyway... I'm worried it might undermine my attempts at setting up a budget-happy mindset. The $15 rebate check I got in the mail the other day is going straight to the car loan. The same goes for the $30 Quicken rebate check. I've already spent that money and readjusted my monthly budget around not having it-- might as well put the rebate checks against the car loan.
I think I'm doing okay. I recently spent a shabbos with the woman who turned me on to the Complete Tightwad Gazette and she thinks I'm doing fine... but how much of this feeling that things are on the right track due to my tax refunds and that windfall. How much of it will evaporate once that money is gone?
And, of course, I'm still going to wear that expensive Purim costume I bought last summer.
Monday, March 2, 2009
unexpected windfall
I've been trying to do a little financial housekeeping. For several years now, I've gotten letters from my state saying that I have unclaimed property. I never responded, because I always assumed that it was some sort of scam. But, well, times being what they are, I did a little poking around and it seemed to be legitimate. So, I thought, if one state owes me money, does anyone else? One of the things I did was go on the Web and look at those unclaimed money websites. It turns out that two states said that I have unclaimed property. I filled out the forms and sent them off.
At any rate, today I got a check from the District of Columbia... for a thousand dollars. I think the breakdown is going to go something like this:
$250 - set aside for taxes on the windfall
$250 - into the emergency fund
$100 - I really really want to try this new hair salon
$100 - tzedaka (hey, you have to say "thank you")
$300 - pay down car loan
Hmm... I get to be responsible AND have fun too! Haircut here I come!!!!
And, yes, I am keeping an eye on my credit report just in case this turns out to have been a scam.
At any rate, today I got a check from the District of Columbia... for a thousand dollars. I think the breakdown is going to go something like this:
$250 - set aside for taxes on the windfall
$250 - into the emergency fund
$100 - I really really want to try this new hair salon
$100 - tzedaka (hey, you have to say "thank you")
$300 - pay down car loan
Hmm... I get to be responsible AND have fun too! Haircut here I come!!!!
And, yes, I am keeping an eye on my credit report just in case this turns out to have been a scam.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
throwing money at a problem
I think I realized why I was able to pay off those credit cards this month. I got a phone call today from a family I sometimes stay by for shabbos. Things are... not good. She wants a divorce, but her husband won't give her one. He's out of work again. This is a fairly frequent occurrence. He's a hard and dedicated worker but somehow jobs never quite seem to work out for long.
He told her that they don't have enough money to make chicken soup for shabbos (or for her to go to the doctor), but he's planning on taking some $5,000 get-rich-quick course that teaches real estate investment techniques. I could hear the hatred in her voice when she told me of this plan.
The thing, though, that really frightens me is that this man who firmly believes in daas torah wouldn't listen when his rabbi sought him out to tell him that he shouldn't go to this "investment" class. His faith was the only thing he had left-- I'm more than a little worried about him. He's a good man, but his career and family life seem to be in tatters. I can only hope that his not allowing himself to be guided by his rav doesn't mean that he's losing faith entirely.
They are two lovely people who never should have married. I adore them both (when they're not together in the same room).
There is nothing that I can do except offer to be a buffer between them on shabbos and perhaps provide some comfort for their children.
I've offered to ferry the kids to museums and take them to the movies. Coraline is still in the theaters, I think. I haven't seen the movie, but I loved the book. I didn't think there was anything in there that either parent would find objectionable. (They don't have a television in the house, but they do allow movies and secular books.)
I think that this might be a good way to spend some of the money that I'm no longer wasting on credit card interest. (Don't worry, I'm still going to put the rest of the "extra" towards my car loan each month.) It won't really help anything, but it might make the children smile a little. If I could make them forget, even just for an hour, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.
He told her that they don't have enough money to make chicken soup for shabbos (or for her to go to the doctor), but he's planning on taking some $5,000 get-rich-quick course that teaches real estate investment techniques. I could hear the hatred in her voice when she told me of this plan.
The thing, though, that really frightens me is that this man who firmly believes in daas torah wouldn't listen when his rabbi sought him out to tell him that he shouldn't go to this "investment" class. His faith was the only thing he had left-- I'm more than a little worried about him. He's a good man, but his career and family life seem to be in tatters. I can only hope that his not allowing himself to be guided by his rav doesn't mean that he's losing faith entirely.
They are two lovely people who never should have married. I adore them both (when they're not together in the same room).
There is nothing that I can do except offer to be a buffer between them on shabbos and perhaps provide some comfort for their children.
I've offered to ferry the kids to museums and take them to the movies. Coraline is still in the theaters, I think. I haven't seen the movie, but I loved the book. I didn't think there was anything in there that either parent would find objectionable. (They don't have a television in the house, but they do allow movies and secular books.)
I think that this might be a good way to spend some of the money that I'm no longer wasting on credit card interest. (Don't worry, I'm still going to put the rest of the "extra" towards my car loan each month.) It won't really help anything, but it might make the children smile a little. If I could make them forget, even just for an hour, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
tax refunds and bribes
My tax refunds showed up in my bank account yesterday, so I paid off all my credit cards in full (except for the 3.99% one that I'm treating as a bank loan). That leaves me with my mortgage (5.5%), my car loan (5.99%), the loan from the Bank of Mom and Dad, and that 3.99%-until-I-pay-it off credit card.
The plan is to transfer my credit card payments to my car loan and get that paid off a year and a half early. Then I can decide between putting the car loan payment amount towards the Bank of Mom and Dad, the mortgage or that last low-interest credit card.
But... I was feeling good from having paid those cards off and... (sigh) this is what got me in trouble in the first place. I started a new "I want" list. There's that tznius flannel nightgown I've been eyeing for ages. I also wanted some new pairs of stockings. And a pair of brown boots. I also want a new laptop and a digital camera. And to get my hair colored again.
Of course, my emergency fund is pathetically low, so I really need to start paying attention to that too. It's really not fair to keep going back to the Bank of Mom and Dad every time something breaks at the Lovely Lemon. (I keep telling myself that nothing else can possibly go wrong at the Lemon, but then a pipe bursts or the oven breaks or.... Come to think of it, I really should be saving up for a new oven.)
The nightgown just went on sale and I'm tired of making sure that my skirts are long enough to cover the holes in my stockings, so I treated myself to the nightgown and four pairs of cotton stockings. $500 of the remainder went into my emergency account. I deserve a little bit of reward for paying off those cards, don't I? And while I don't actually need a flannel nightgown, it would make me happy (and make me feel better about turning the thermostat down to 60 degrees at night). The new stockings should have been purchased months ago. I should get some new nylons, for those times when I don't want to look like a Bais Yaakov-wanna-be, but I hate the fact that they develop runs after only being worn once or twice. Stockings make much more sense.
The boots will be my bribe for next month... If I'm good (defined as not charging anything to the credit card that I can't pay off that same month and putting an extra $150 towards my car loan), then I can have the boots. After that, the "I wants" get a little more expensive. I can't exactly treat myself to a third of a digital camera as my monthly bribe. I'll have to figure something out.
I've also been toying with the idea of creating a tzedaka account to make it easier to keep track of my charitable contributions. I sent out a bunch of post-dated checks at the beginning of the year to each place, but I should probably start giving more since I'm having so much success paying things off.
The plan is to transfer my credit card payments to my car loan and get that paid off a year and a half early. Then I can decide between putting the car loan payment amount towards the Bank of Mom and Dad, the mortgage or that last low-interest credit card.
But... I was feeling good from having paid those cards off and... (sigh) this is what got me in trouble in the first place. I started a new "I want" list. There's that tznius flannel nightgown I've been eyeing for ages. I also wanted some new pairs of stockings. And a pair of brown boots. I also want a new laptop and a digital camera. And to get my hair colored again.
Of course, my emergency fund is pathetically low, so I really need to start paying attention to that too. It's really not fair to keep going back to the Bank of Mom and Dad every time something breaks at the Lovely Lemon. (I keep telling myself that nothing else can possibly go wrong at the Lemon, but then a pipe bursts or the oven breaks or.... Come to think of it, I really should be saving up for a new oven.)
The nightgown just went on sale and I'm tired of making sure that my skirts are long enough to cover the holes in my stockings, so I treated myself to the nightgown and four pairs of cotton stockings. $500 of the remainder went into my emergency account. I deserve a little bit of reward for paying off those cards, don't I? And while I don't actually need a flannel nightgown, it would make me happy (and make me feel better about turning the thermostat down to 60 degrees at night). The new stockings should have been purchased months ago. I should get some new nylons, for those times when I don't want to look like a Bais Yaakov-wanna-be, but I hate the fact that they develop runs after only being worn once or twice. Stockings make much more sense.
The boots will be my bribe for next month... If I'm good (defined as not charging anything to the credit card that I can't pay off that same month and putting an extra $150 towards my car loan), then I can have the boots. After that, the "I wants" get a little more expensive. I can't exactly treat myself to a third of a digital camera as my monthly bribe. I'll have to figure something out.
I've also been toying with the idea of creating a tzedaka account to make it easier to keep track of my charitable contributions. I sent out a bunch of post-dated checks at the beginning of the year to each place, but I should probably start giving more since I'm having so much success paying things off.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
tricky credit cards
I got an interesting reminder this month to keep my eyes open.
From http://www.lowcards.com/2009/01/credit-card-reward-programs-changing.html:
"This month, Chase added a $10 monthly fee and increased the minimum payment from 2 to 5% for cardholders who have carried a large balance for over two years and pay only the minimum each month. "While this minimum payment increase is good for forcing cardholders to pay down their balance, this monthly fee has created an outcry from affected cardholders," says Hardekopf."
It's a good thing that I've started paying attention to the fine print the credit card companies have started sending out. I was one of those who took advantage of Chase's 3.99% balance transfer rate until you pay it off in full. I canceled the card last month when they tried to raise the rate on new purchases. Even though I didn't use that card for anything except the 3.99% balance transfer rate, it was annoying me that they'd raise my rate when I hadn't done anything wrong.
It's a good thing I did, because I'm one of those people who carry a large balance (hey, 3.99% is barely over inflation-- it's lower than my mortgage, so it's going to get paid off last) and make a small payment each month. I would NOT have been happy to see a $10/month fee and increased minimum payment.
Of course, all of my cards are raising their rates now. I guess that's a good thing. It'll encourage me to pay off all my cards (except the one that at a lower interest rate than my mortgage) and stop putting on more than I can pay off in full each month.
I have this bad habit of starting to carry a balance around August each year and not pay it off until I get my tax refund.
From http://www.lowcards.com/2009/01/credit-card-reward-programs-changing.html:
"This month, Chase added a $10 monthly fee and increased the minimum payment from 2 to 5% for cardholders who have carried a large balance for over two years and pay only the minimum each month. "While this minimum payment increase is good for forcing cardholders to pay down their balance, this monthly fee has created an outcry from affected cardholders," says Hardekopf."
It's a good thing that I've started paying attention to the fine print the credit card companies have started sending out. I was one of those who took advantage of Chase's 3.99% balance transfer rate until you pay it off in full. I canceled the card last month when they tried to raise the rate on new purchases. Even though I didn't use that card for anything except the 3.99% balance transfer rate, it was annoying me that they'd raise my rate when I hadn't done anything wrong.
It's a good thing I did, because I'm one of those people who carry a large balance (hey, 3.99% is barely over inflation-- it's lower than my mortgage, so it's going to get paid off last) and make a small payment each month. I would NOT have been happy to see a $10/month fee and increased minimum payment.
Of course, all of my cards are raising their rates now. I guess that's a good thing. It'll encourage me to pay off all my cards (except the one that at a lower interest rate than my mortgage) and stop putting on more than I can pay off in full each month.
I have this bad habit of starting to carry a balance around August each year and not pay it off until I get my tax refund.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
winter economy
It's funny how easy it is to take things for granted. I received a letter in the mail from Chase yesterday, telling me that they were raising the interest rate on one of my cards from 8.9% to 13%. Now, it's not a card that I use very often, but I was annoyed that they were raising my rates, so I canceled it. Things seem to be tightening up even for people with good credit scores, it seems. A month ago, this card was offering me a 3.9% balance transfer rate that was locked in at that rate until I paid it off. Now they're trying to raise my rate by 50%.
I called a friend yesterday to complain about the "lousy" raise I got this year. He didn't have much sympathy for me. His employer has frozen all salaries and is starting to institute furloughs.
I know I shouldn't complain. I had a pipe burst last week, but that is covered by insurance. I know I can carve the $500 deductible out of my budget somewhere... But it's easy to get discouraged as I sift through piles of books that were ruined by my flooded basement.
Maybe it's just the winter getting to me. I never did like the cold.
I called a friend yesterday to complain about the "lousy" raise I got this year. He didn't have much sympathy for me. His employer has frozen all salaries and is starting to institute furloughs.
I know I shouldn't complain. I had a pipe burst last week, but that is covered by insurance. I know I can carve the $500 deductible out of my budget somewhere... But it's easy to get discouraged as I sift through piles of books that were ruined by my flooded basement.
Maybe it's just the winter getting to me. I never did like the cold.
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