Simchat Torah

I had a girls-only Yom Tov. One thing that really troubled me at first was the separation of the sexes in Orthodox Judaism, but I've since started to see the value in a women-only community.

Simchat Torah was always problematic. Singing and dancing *is* a kind of prayer to me. I don't see Simchat Torah as one long party-- to me it is one long session of using our bodies and voices to get closer to Hashem. That's why it was so troubling when the women sat around talking or silently watching the men and children celebrate. I felt like a tree cut of from its roots, unable to tap into the energy and Connection that was forming on the other side of the mehitza.

It helped a lot to finally realize what my problem was. This Simchat Torah, I was introduced to the concept of shul hopping. My friends and I found places where I could sing without worrying about being overheard, where we could clap our hands and bob about in time to the music. I could participate, even if I couldn't find women interested in dancing with me. Even if I couldn't touch the Torah.

I've been working through my relationship with the Torah As An Object. I heard a rabbi talk a few weeks ago about the whether it was the Torah as a physical object that was holy or the words behind it. He raised the possibility that it was almost idolatry to venerate the torah the way some people have a tendency to do. The important part is what is written, is what is embodied within klal yisrael.

The meaning and energy that I crave so desperately shouldn't be tied to whether or not I can hold a Torah in my arms. When I first started to become religious, I would cry when the ark opened because it felt as if I was suddenly in the presence of Hashem. I slowly learned to take that-- whatever it was that I felt-- and find it elsewhere in the davening and elsewhere. I suspect that process will take the rest of my life, trying to bring that feeling of holiness to every part of my life.

Still, sometimes I want to take a shortcut and dance with the men. Sometimes it seems as if they have the easier path.